How to Be Annoying

by B. Dear

• Chew with your mouth open.
• Note every financial transaction in your checkbook register. Whether you write a check or not is irrelevant. Make people wait.
• Drive slow in the fast lane. Use turn signals at random leaving them on for long periods of time.
• Listen to show tunes when it is your turn to drive for the carpool. When riders protest, reply with ” My ride, my station." This is great for long commutes.
• Make up “Chinese words” and use them when ordering Chinese food.
• Remind everyone about random facts you read on the Internet. The more obscure, the better.
• Ask people if they noticed how "cute" things are. 
• Tell a joke that isn't funny. Then explain the joke over and over badgering them continuously until they laugh.
• Randomly stop in the middle of an activity with friends to go home and lift weights. This is works even better if you are skinny.
• Memorize “business-speak” terms and use them as much as possible (Ex. deliverables, trade-space, transpire)
• Practice your radio voice in the workplace.
• Leave random items from the printer on people’s desks. Mark these items “For your Information” or “due by Close of Business". Never tell them it was you who left it.
• Make up a religion and become a devout member. Pressure others to join.
• Start talking about another topic exactly 4 words after someone else starts to speak. Proceed as if they never spoke.
• Call work everyday (even in the summertime) and ask if today is a snow day.
• Do preventive maintenance on your pens to prolong their useful life and preserve their trade-in value.
• Staple pages at random places.
• Ask Cops, “Is that a real gun?”
• TYPE IN ALL CAPS.
• Never spelchek.
• Randomly ask people if they smell something funny.
• Run everywhere you go.
• Hum.
• Eat with your mouth open.
• Practice your break dancing skills on work breaks.
• Remind people that Jesus loves them.
• Log everything that happens during the workday, be sure to notify co-workers of each event using Outlook reminders.
• Tell people about their auras.
• Pee on the toilet seat. Then leave the seat down.
• Insist that you have a special sense developed from years of playing video games.
• Insist on being paid in cash.
• Ask someone to explain something. Wait until they are finished. Tell them you don't understand. Repeat as necessary.
• Talk like a robot.
• Bring people up to speed on the world’s current events when they are really busy.
• Sit next to people on sofas and benches so that you touch them, even if there's plenty of room.
• Check your fly as much as possible.
• Play on playgrounds until the police arrive. When they try to kick you off, insist that you pay taxes and this is public property.
• Push seat belts into the seat when carpooling.
• Stop your car for no reason. Start driving when people start to pass you.
• Remind people how many poisonous chemicals are in the food they are eating. Even if they eat healthy.
• Remind people that smoking is bad for them.
• Run out of the elevator at top speed when the doors open.
• Hit all the buttons in the elevator. Then get off after one floor.
• If you are balding, draw hair on your head with magic marker.
• Check your car doors repeatedly, just to make sure they are locked, making the honking sound over and over again.
• Show people pictures of your kids. Insist that they are the greatest kids in the world.
• Pull out photo albums when you have visitors.
• Write lists of annoying things and post them on your web site.